他看見耶穌的泰迪熊

我想先說我自己。Let me start with myself.

剛信主沒幾天，我就想被差出去。Just a few days into following Jesus, I already wanted to be sent out.

這支影片，是 Jim Erickson——多年陪我走、像我屬靈父親的那位牧者——和我一起回頭看那段日子。This video is Jim Erickson—the pastor who walked alongside me for years, a spiritual father to me—looking back with me on those early days.

他做了二十年的長期宣教士預備，前後接觸過大約兩百四十個人，最後真正去到工場的，只有四分之一。For twenty years he prepared long-term missionaries—about two hundred and forty people came through—and only a quarter of them actually reached the field.

他把那套過程設計成：人可以自己慢慢看清楚自己走不走得到，他不必開口說「你去不成」。He built the process so that people could discover for themselves whether they would make it—he didn't have to be the one to tell anyone "you won't."

他讀了我寫給一位牧者（Andy Stanley）的信，又見了我，就覺得我是個很強的人選。He read a letter I had written to a pastor—Andy Stanley—and then met me, and felt I was a strong candidate.

但他說，真正讓他確定的，是另一個地方。But he says what really convinced him was something else.

他說：「你的信不只是頭腦的事。當你說『我是耶穌的泰迪熊』，那畫出了你在情感上怎麼看祂——你和你救主之間，有一種同在、一種連結、一種親密。這個我不常看見。」He said: "Your faith isn't just an intellectual thing. When you say 'I'm Jesus' Teddy Bear,' that paints a picture of how you see Him emotionally—there's a presence, a connection, an intimacy between you and your Savior. I don't see that all that often."

我把這句讀了好幾遍。原來他在看的，是我有沒有讓自己像個孩子一樣，被神抱著。I read that line several times. What he was looking at was whether I let myself be held by God, like a child.

他也很誠實：那時候我信得很新、很不成熟。他知道長期在工場會遇到的坑，他不要我失敗，他要我成功。所以他覺得我還需要一點時間。He was honest too: back then my faith was new and immature. He knew the pitfalls a long-term worker faces on the field; he didn't want me to fail, he wanted me to succeed. So he felt I needed more time.

然後是那段最難的。Then came the hardest part.

當時有人堅持我必須歸到一個我覺得並不健康的團隊底下——一種「上面說、下面照做」的架構。我太想去了，願意為它犧牲。At the time, someone insisted I had to go under a team that felt unhealthy to me—a "those above tell, those below obey" kind of structure. I wanted to go so badly that I was willing to sacrifice for it.

在一次工作坊，那位主管講了將近三十分鐘，Jim 一直讓他講。最後 Jim 開口，替我擋了下來。At a workshop, that director talked for nearly thirty minutes, and Jim let him talk. Then Jim spoke, and he stood in the gap for me.

我走出辦公室的時候整個人是麻的，我哭了。但我心底知道，我被保護了。When I walked out of the office I was numb, and I cried. But deep down I knew I had been protected.

Jim 後來告訴我為什麼：「一個團隊可以成全一個人，也可以毀掉一個人。你不是那種被告知『照做就好』就甘心的人；把你放進那種上對下的模式，會把你壓壞。」Jim later told me why: "A team can make or break a person. You're not someone content just to be told what to do; putting you into that top-down model would have crushed you."

然後他做了一件他很少做的事：他讓我一個人出去，不歸在任何團隊底下。Then he did something he rarely did: he let me go out on my own, not under any team.

他說：「我感覺得到你能自己做，也能自己組建團隊。能這樣放出去的人很少，我幾乎沒讓誰單獨出去過。」He said: "I sensed you could do it yourself, that you could build your own team. There's hardly anyone I let go out by themselves like that."

但他留下一個提醒，我一直記到今天：「我唯一擔心的，是你會不會變成一個獨來獨往的人。」But he left one caution I have carried ever since: "My one concern was whether you'd become a loner."

就是這一句，讓我從踏出去的第一天起，就開始建立團隊、設立同行的人。That one sentence is why, from the very first day I stepped out, I began building a team and setting people to walk with me.

他也提醒我，其實我從來沒有真的孤單——我們一直保持聯絡，我有差會，也有一路上同行、陪著我、教導我的人。He reminded me, too, that I was never really alone—we kept in touch, I had my mission organization, and people who walked with me, stayed close, and taught me all along.

這就是 me 到 us 到 WE：神先讓一個人看見我像孩子一樣抓著祂，再用一位像父親的牧者保護我、把我放出去，又叮囑我永遠不要獨自走。This is me to us to WE: God first let someone see me clinging to Him like a child, then used a father-like pastor to protect me and send me out—and to charge me never to walk alone.